...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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