Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
