I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
