By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I think a kid would responsible me up
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You're a waste of cheezeits
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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