brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
