You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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