dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
