My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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