Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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