Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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