my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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