Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
