He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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