Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
