she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
