cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
