Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
