my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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