it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
