How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
We were destined to go to rehab together
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
