Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
