I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Randomize
