Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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