I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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