So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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