I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
