pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Sober January is a disaster.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
