nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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