I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Randomize
