My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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