can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
