She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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