I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
