So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
