I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
