I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
