My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
bring money and cleavage
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
