Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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