two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
