My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
