Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
