so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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