I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
