i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
