Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
