There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
