I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
