2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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