So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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