I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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