He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I have aggressive nipples.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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